in what was probably not the best use of an hour or so, i found this website which cracked me up. they even offer a one-liner randomizer - who else does that?? here are some of my favorite one-liners:
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don’t make sense. Refrigerator.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.”
They call it “pms” because “mad cow disease” was already taken.
“The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you’ll go.”
~ Dr. Seuss