Category Archives: humor

unofficial rules of holiday shopping in the city


it’s tourist season and midtown is over flowing with shoppers, sight-seers, celebrity seekers and tree gazers!

2014-12-01 15.34.13 copy 2014-12-01 15.34.27 copy 2014-12-01 15.43.40 copy

it’s a good thing for the city – not so much for the residents.  from december through january things become all discombobulated for the locals because tourists disrupt the flow.  it’s nothing that can’t be fixed and it’s not even their fault. they are simply unaware of a few simple things. when travelling into the city, i’ve noticed that at the bridge & tunnel tolls, it’s always the cars with out of state plates in the ‘cash only’ lanes – the regulars have ez-pass.  i’m thinking that a small list of “instructions” printed on the back of the bridge & tunnel receipts would be a great invention because it could list the rules and then they would know.   since that’s not the case, i will post them here.

rule #1
don’t think – just cross the street.

crossing the street in midtown is similar to participating in a game of football. there are two sides, face to face, waiting for the ‘go ahead.’ the difference is that in midtown, each team has anywhere from 25 – 50 people on each side where in football, there are only 11 on each side.  during the months of february through november, when the light says walk, the ‘teams’ advance towards each other and effortlessly manage to get to the other side of the street without knocking into anyone. they’re used to it; they don’t get nervous and foot traffic just flows. on the other hand, in december and january,  i believe that during the 2-3 minute wait between light changes, tourists get super focused on the opposing team which makes them nervous.  their brain begins to wonder how they will manage to cross the street through all those people about to charge towards them, and they begin to map out a strategy.  as soon as the light changes, they follow their mind map.  because they could never predict the mind maps of the opposing team, it turns into a giant cluster of frustrated people bumping into each other, scared they will never reach the other side safely. weird but true.

rule# 2

when you see a pretty store window, something shiny that catches your eye or a homeless person, do not just stop in the middle of the sidewalk.  this causes mid-sidewalk collisions and then you leave the city thinking ny’ers are rude.

rule #3

wear your comfy flat walking shoes or you will regret it.  and know that the people in the flat comfy walking shoes are the ones who must walk on the grates. women in heels have the right of way on the sidewalk whenever a grate presents itself.  there is no need to worry about falling through the grates and landing in the pathway of an oncoming subway, seriously.

2014-12-05 14.33.03 copy

It is a man’s own mind, not his enemy or foe, that lures him to evil ways.
 ~ Buddha

1417671933_elf

.♥

insider banking, gorilla for sale & a talking horse


who goes inside a bank anymore?  well, yesterday i did and as you would probably suspect, i was the only customer inside.  when entering my bank from the street, you pass through the atm room where 99% of the people bank, and then open a door and round a corner to get to the real inside of the bank where the tellers are located.  as i opened the door between the atm room and the actual bank, i heard someone singing the magilla gorilla song!   i did not want her to become startled by the sight of a customer and stop singing, so i stopped before rounding the corner so that she would finish the song.  as it turned out, i remembered every single word.  Smile    when i came around the corner, i saw 3 bank tellers sitting behind the glass partition with absolutely nothing to do other than sing the magilla gorilla song and i had to make a split second guess as to which was the singer because i definitely wanted to go to her window.  as luck would have it, i picked the right one and we ended up singing the magilla gorilla song together.  after that we sang the mr. ed song.  who would have expected this kind of happiness in the middle of a tuesday?

if you have no idea what this post is about, we could probably never be really good friends.

 

Everyone is entitled to his own nostalgia.
 ~ James Wolcott 

1417671624_monkeys_audio 

 

.

 

moving on 2nd avenue


this sure must be easier than having to pack and unpack all those boxes. . . .

2014-11-25 22.15.58

.

Traffic is only one of the side effects of growth.
 ~ Roy Barnes

 dont-know-icon
♥ 

lock the front door


post

The White House’s new security plan: Lock the front door

every time i see a headline like this i wish i worked at the new york post.  it has to be fun . . . .   seriously though, if the peeps in dc need some high level security tips, i suggest they just spend the week in nyc during the general assembly – which happens to be this week.

i’ve been out sniper seeking with my zoom lens since saturday and haven’t seen 1 sniper.  these guys are good.

i’m not sure what the mission of these people is, but they are scattered about the sidewalks near the united nations building.  they look like they have bombs strapped all over themselves and i have to believe this would  effectively keep people from trying to break in to the white house.

general assembly soldier 1

they do not like having their pictures taken either.

another effective tactic used by the diplomats to keep people away, is extreme noise.  i’m sure they do it on purpose so it must have something to do with their country’s security operations.  wherever a foreign diplomat decides to go, he is preceded by and followed by, an entourage of black suburban’s with lights flashing and very loud sirens.  this goes on all day long.  entourages en route to the u.n. for morning meetings, entourages at lunchtime, entourages escorting their diplomat back to the hotel after daily sessions, and entourages chauffeuring diplomats all around town for dinner and nightly entertainment – all with excruciatingly loud sirens.  i believe the strategy here is simple sleep deprivation.  i know because i live just 3 blocks up first avenue from the united nations and i am just too tired to consider jumping the fence and breaking in the front door.

during the week of the general assembly there is no parking either.  every street in the neighborhood is lined with signs like this:

general assembly sign

 

if you live between 40th and 55th streets from the east river over to third avenue, you may not be able to go home if there happens to be a diplomat having a meeting, a meal or a cocktail on your street.  on each corner are stationed between 6 – 12 very young rookie cops, whose mission it is to question people to death and check i.d.’s before letting them step foot onto their own block to go home after a long day at work.  i’ve noticed that if you are 20 something, female and beautiful, the young rookie cops will hold you up for twice the amount of time than they detain others.  just an observation that probably has nothing to do with security.

 

Bomb-Cool-icon.

 

 I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It’s not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. It’s the key to order, sanity, and peace of mind. The key is ‘Delete.’
 ~ Elayne Boosler

 

♥ 

♥ 

too good not to share!


 

Pay close attention to each scene

Colgate has created a very ingenious advertising campaign to promote their dental floss.

But … Before I explain to you the main detail of these images, I shall let you observe them on your own.

 

Couple 1

1

Couple 2
2

Couple 3

3

All right ………. Now that you’ve had time to quietly observe the images .

* in the first photograph, you might have noticed that the lady has one finger too many on her left hand,
* in the second photograph, a phantom arm is floating behind,
* and in the third photograph, the man has only one ear.

The campaign attained its purpose.

It proved that food debris on your teeth draws more attention than any physical defect does.

 

although i wish i could take credit for this, it is one of those chain e-mails circulating around the universe that’s just too interesting not to share! 

Grouchy-icon

When you pay attention to boredom it gets unbelievably interesting.
 ~ Jon Kabat-Zinn

 

♥ 

standing outside


i want to meet the person who created this.  i know we could be good friends. . . . .

 

outstanding

When it is obvious that the goals cannot be reached, don’t adjust the goals, adjust the action steps.
 ~ Confucius

have you seen penelope?


 

in the event you were planning a vacation to the city, you may want to re-think your travel plans – or at least stay on top of this story from the post . . . . .

 

Pregnant tarantula on the loose in Park Slope

Help, my giant poisonous spider is missing — and she’s pregnant!

A hairy Mexican red rump tarantula named Penelope is on the loose in Park Slope. . . . “She’s mostly active at night and she tends to hide in dark corners,” . . . On the sign, the pet owner asks whoever finds her to put her in a “tupperware bowl” with holes, so she can breathe.

 

tarantula

 

When you seek it, you cannot find it.
 ~ Zen Proverb

 

 

for golfers only


what do you think are the chances of hitting a hole in one?  

golf

according to golf digest,  it’s one in 12,500  –  which is precisely why i don’t golf.  i will never understand why people think it’s so much fun to hit a ball around the grass to get it into a hole that it would take 12,500 swings, to actually achieve 100% success,  just one time. . . .  but people do love it – and my mom is one of those people – and today she got a hole in one!

here she is; the hole-in-one winner:

mom june 2014

and because this is not her first hole-in-one, she is eligible for the multiple hole-in-one winner gold star award!

gold star

congratulations, mom! 

“It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.”
 ~ Hank Aaron

 

laugh icon

.

.

.

why is the asparagus bleeding?


just a few weeks ago i told you the story of joe, the 96 year old man who got sick after eating his birthday cake which had a rat baked right into it.   i will try to limit the number of disturbing posts like that, but i will need a little help from the food industry . . . .

today, the ny post reported the story of robin.  robin ordered a salad for lunch from guy & gallard on west 40th street.  in her own words, here’s what she got in her salad:

“It was the craziest thing,” she said. “After a few bites, I look down at my fork, and think, ‘Oh, is that a piece of asparagus?’And then I saw that it had eyes, and an arm.”

the post reported,

Sandusky repackaged the head with the salad and sent it back to the deli, which promptly gave her a refund.

it’s good to know she got her money back.

i’ve spent the day wondering if she simply saw the lizard, or actually stabbed it with her fork.

hey-come-on-icon

“Remain calm, serene, always in command of yourself. You will then find out how easy it is to get along.”
Paramahansa Yogananda

.

the power of suggestion


just like every day, i checked my phone for the temperature outside before taking ivan out for his morning stroll.  it said 64 degrees. the sun was pouring in my windows.  64 & sunny . . . . it’s going to be a great day!

completely under dressed for the actual 46 degree temp outside, i arrived home a bit chilly and totally confused.  i checked my phone again.  64 degrees.  at first i wondered if my phone had picked up on the industrial strength warm weather thoughts i had been having for so long and was just trying to make me happy.

64 degree phone

then i noticed that the time under the weather was displayed as 7:31 pm, rather than am,  and i chalked the whole thing up to the power of my electronic disorder.

 

“The use of the will as the projector of mentative currents is the real base of all mental magic.”
~ William Walker Atkinson

.

thank you for this information


post

Weekend storm could drop 3… or 30 inches of snow.

 

The Weather Underground forecasting service sees scattered snow starting in the city Saturday night, real snow coming Sunday morning (one to three inches), followed by more later in the day (three to five inches) — and flurries on Monday.

( That’s not quite 30 inches.  . . . )

That could produce a blizzard that drops several inches of snow per hour on whoever is unlucky enough to suffer the brunt of it, making it the worst storm of what’s becoming known as “the terrible winter of ’14.”

But five days out, it’s all far from certain. “I think we’re throwing darts,” Kines said.

just keeping you ‘posted.’

.

laugh icon

.

i used to think 7 was my lucky number


7

.

i’m changing my lucky number to 75.

Heaven-Networking-icon

.

“Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.”
 ~ Carl Jung 

.

getting ready


you know when it rains it pours.  it’s pouring on east 52nd street today even though it’s 79 degrees and sunny outside.

i’m getting   trying to get my apartment ready for a visitor who is arriving tomorrow for one week.   the rain began last night when i attempted to connect a digital converter to the tv so that my guest can watch at least the basic channels. no can do.

ivan has developed a leak.  a big leak.  he is 98 in people years and i guess these things happen – but still . . .  i have ordered doggie diapers with money i don’t have, and should receive the diapers on saturday.  in the mean time, i have throw rugs on top of blankets covering every square inch of floor space to protect the rugs and flooring. all of these rugs and blankets need to be washed everyday at $7.00 per load.

then the dishwasher overflowed and flooded the entire kitchen.  there was so much water, i had to use my bath towels to stop it from running out into the living room.  since i now have massive amounts of laundry to do, i took the shower curtain & liner down and threw it in the laundry bag along with all of the pee soaked floor rugs.

upon returning home from my early walk with ivan, there was an irate tenant in the lobby who looked me right in the eyes and yelled, “i hate this building!”  when i asked what was going on, she replied, “i have a huge meeting at work today and the water is coming out black. i can’t shower and i have to go out and look for a place to brush my teeth!”

it is now 12:49 in the afternoon and i have not yet brushed my teeth, showered or begun the 5 loads of laundry i have contained in a hefty bag, growing mildew, in my living room.  i cannot clean the bathroom or the kitchen until i have clean water. 

“hi, welcome to my dirty apartment.  i hope you won’t need to shower this week because the shower curtain and bath towels are in that bag over there.  cooking and television will not be available options during your stay either.  please come in . . . .”

Brainslug

.

Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it.
 ~ Lily Tomlin 

.

hairy turtles


strolling through central park, i found myself wondering, what has happened to the turtles?

central park ducks turtles birds (24).

“Everything in the universe has a purpose. Indeed, the invisible intelligence that flows through everything in a purposeful fashion is also flowing through you.”
~ Wayne Dyer 

♥ 

too much drinking


drinking

Nothing can bring a real sense of security into the home except true love.
~ Billy Graham

how to pick a mayor in the city


 ·

post

They’ll drink to that! Dem mayoral candidates vow to let New Yorkers swill beer on their stoops

They’ll drink to that!

Booze lovers are toasting the Democratic mayoral candidates, who say almost unanimously that if elected they’ll let New Yorkers swill a beer on their stoops.

When asked the question in the “lightning round” at Wednesday’s Democratic mayoral debate, all the candidates — except Erick Salgado, a minister — said city residents should be able to drink a beer on their stoops.

“I should be able to drink ’em in a park and at the beach, too,” Anthony Weiner added.

Mom

“oy vey”
 ~ cags 

·

shark suit – size L


if ivan fit on a roomba, he would sooo have a shark suit.

that’s hysterical!

Fish-Movie-icon

thong man’s summer outfit


missing the city . . . .

although the country can be nice in the summer time, i am really missing all of the things i love about nyc.  i miss central park,  the dorm-room apartment building drama, i miss my neighbors – and people in general, i miss walking to places and i miss thong man.

here is an old post i will re-read & reminisce . . . .

walking ivan tonight i ran into the opportunity i’ve waited 3 years for.  i actually had my iphone camera handy when  thong man came running up 2nd avenue.   unfortunately he wasn’t wearing his nude pantyhose because they are way better than the black body stocking he was sporting this evening.  this must be his summer outfit.

*

i am counting the days until august 14th when i return back to nyc – where i belong.

stitch-heart256

 

* more thong man

“Of course life is bizarre, the more bizarre it gets, the more interesting it is. The only way to approach it is to make yourself some popcorn and enjoy the show.”
– unknown

*

 

excuses


story people excuses

 ~ storypeople

 

welcome-icon 

 

 

reporting live


current report from weather underground:

Now
Clear
Clear
Temperature
74.7 °F
Feels Like 75 °F
.
to me it feels more like 74.2
laugh icon
.
“Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.”
 ~ Buddha 
.