did you know the first ingredient in ‘herb ox’ chicken bouillon by hormel is sugar?? sugar.
the next ingredient is potassium chloride.
onion powder is third, followed by maltodextrin and some monoammonium glutamate & gelatin. then add dextrose. that would be more sugar. dextrose is sugar.
8th on the list is chicken fat. not chicken meat, just the fat.
tumeric color is the 9th ingredient. not tumeric, just the color.
finally, dehydrated parsley, “flavoring”, whatever that may mean, disodium inosinate & disodium guanylate (uh huh) and a ‘caking agent’ called silicon dioxide.
that’s how you make chicken bouillon.
“I do not think much of a man who is not wiser today than he was yesterday.”
i’m just going to use the post i wrote the last time we had a hurricane. You can read it here.
rosanne coletti just spent 5 minutes saying nothing and ended her segment talking about the lack of d batteries to be found. that somehow led into the story by some reporter standing outside in the pouring rain in long branch, nj asking people why they are out in the rain. seriously.
“Such is the essential mystery.”
there are just 2 things i need, a vacation and to lose the weight i’ve been carrying around since my sabbatical in nj. i managed to find the perfect retreat up in the catskill mountains where i plan on doing a 5 day juice. in addition to not eating, i will practice yoga, meditate, catch up on some reading and hopefully get some really nice photographs.
upon arrival i met with the retreat owner who asked what it was that i wanted to accomplish this week. i told her i intended to get some really good photographs of a bear or two. her reaction made it pretty obvious that that wasn’t the usual answer she received from guests. she proceeded to weigh me and directed me to meet in the dining room for dinner juice at 6:00. she then told me if i was going to see a bear at all i should ask the fitness instructor to point out the area where they kept the dumpster on the hike which was planned for the following morning. i unpacked my things, grabbed my camera and headed out to explore. after hiking around for 20 minutes or so, i saw something moving in the distance through the trees. upon closer examination i noticed that the moving object was near a blue dumpster. before my brain had time to process the situation, i found myself in a staring match with a black bear.
in the next half of a second, all of the following happened:
i thought about this amazing photo op
i realized i was shaking
i remembered that not even roger bannister could out run a black bear
i calculated that i only had to run approximately 1/8 of the distance to saftey than the bear did
i wondered if bears could run 8 times as fast as me
i watched the bear jump off the dumpster and charge full speed ahead up the path towards me
i thought about how no one really knows how the end will come but this is ridiculous
i think i teleported into the spa.
the next thing i recall is slamming the front door with all my might, startling the woman at the front desk (not to mention all of the people enjoying the relaxing spa treatments they had paid good money for). i proceeded to scream at the top of my lungs, “i found the bear! shut the doors! it’s chasing me!” there may have been more but that’s all i know for sure that i yelled -very loudly. at that point my heart was trying to come out of my throat and my overall state of panic prompted the staff to start scrambling around the first floor shutting all open doors and windows.
i can’t remember being so scared since the time ellice and i were stalking high end hookers & got chased down the center of fifth avenue by two of the biggest, furriest, gold wearing pimps in the city, who apparently thought we were encroaching on their corner. thankfully i survived both incidents.
when the tremors stopped i got in my car and went back to the scene of the nearly fatal attack. here is what i found:
Posted in animals, humor, life, nature
Tagged bear alert, catskills, dumpster, ellice uffer, juice fasting, pimp, roger bannister, running, scary, weightloss detox retreat
ONE57, a new building next to carnagie hall is coming. the bottom of the 90 floor monstrosity will be a hyatt hotel and the top, residential. for those of you who love a good bargain, the 2 penthouses have a special pre-construction price of $98 million.
also potentially new on the market, ruth madoff. the post reported that she is divorcing bernie.
more peas! the rained out black eyed peas concert in cp has been rescheduled for september 30th.
on east 57th & 58th law & order just shot the season’s premier episode of svu featuring a ‘ripped-from-the-headlines’ plot based on dominique strauss kahn.
i am hoping they include an episode on ex-wabc sports anchor marvell scott too. svu’s kragen & stabler would never let him get off with just community service after nailing him for hooking up with a 14 year old prostitute in times square. i think i’ll make the suggestion to dick wolf .
yesterday was sunny but it’s raining again today & you’re now pretty much up to date.
“Never mistake knowledge for wisdom. One helps you make a living; the other helps you make a life.”
“We look at the dance to impart the sensation of living in an affirmation of life, to energize the spectator into keener awareness of the vigor, the mystery, the humor, the variety, and the wonder of life. This is the function of the American dance.”
“A man of action, forced into a state of thought, is unhappy until he can get out of it”
seriously – get up and walk about 15 feet away from the computer now.
look at the picture of albert again.
makes you wonder about what you think you see all day long, right?
“Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.”
– Albert Einstein
i live in a room. 1 room. today when i saw my electric bill was $393.77 i was sure that it must be a mistake. in fact, i thought last months bill for $261 was a mistake. 20 minutes and 37 seconds ago i called con-ed to figure out what’s going on here. a recording came on and told me the wait time to speak with a representative was 5 minutes. ok, not too bad, i thought. about 15 seconds after that, a recording came on and told me the wait was now 3 minutes – (even better!) followed just a couple of seconds later with an announcement that due to unusually high call volume the wait time could not be estimated and i should use the automated system or go to their website for help. mother f#*^!ers.
at 28 minutes and 42 seconds brian picked up the phone. he was of no help and by the time i finished speaking with him i was too strung out to ask for a supervisor.
at 49 minutes and 52 seconds i hung up. i’m thinking pinkberry.
“Life is not an easy matter… You cannot live through it without falling into frustration and cynicism unless you have before you a great idea which raises you above personal misery, above weakness, above all kinds of perfidy and baseness.”
– Leon Trotsky
i love you on your 12th birthday and every single day!
happy birthday my boo.
“this is a dress-up box for the future & it’s filled with stuff like courage & love & play because they’re the only things that are any use at all when you get right down to it.”
the drama at 350 east 52nd street heats up . . . so much so, the building has it’s own reality show! tenants got together and put together a website that i have to say, is pretty hysterical. i found an article on the site that claimed my landlord sued the bar association after failing the test 3 times – he said the test was unfair. omg.
since they’ve already done all the work, i’ll refer you to the east 52nd street reality show site for today’s update on living zen in he city – ha!
be sure to check out the ny1 news article in the ‘media’ section – that would be yours truly standing behind borough president scott stringer & state senator liz krueger see the video.
in other and more important news, tomorrow is ivan’s birthday. he will be 12. here he is last year celebrating being 11. is there a cuter dog on the planet? no.
“I love dogs. They live in the moment and don’t care about anything except affection and food. They’re loyal and happy. Humans are just too damn complicated.”
about 2months ago i heard a commotion outside so i collected my camera and ivan, & left my apartment to investigate. when i got to the front door, this is what i saw:
* a giant rat.
and lots of people walking around with signs and yelling something about a fair contract. it turns out that the owner of the building is unwilling to sign the contract with the union and apparently it’s a year or so over due. now the employees health insurance has expired and they want the owner sign the contract with the union so that they can be insured again. apparently the rat is a warning that a strike is eminent.
and now the strike is on . . . and now the building has real rats. it also has a sociopath, security guards, a revolving staff of temporary workers, roaches, foul smells, mounds and mounds of garbage both inside & outside – and maggots. yes, maggots. oy.
the serene “luxury building” i moved into in april has become drama central.
i feel kind of like i am living in a reality show. i’ll introduce you to the actors in my next blog post and leave you with a preview of the upcoming series:
path to the laundry room
the day AFTER garbage pick up
stay tuned for all episodes!
“Without a measureless and perpetual uncertainty, the drama of human life would be destroyed”
– Winston Churchill