Category Archives: humor

too much drinking


drinking

Nothing can bring a real sense of security into the home except true love.
~ Billy Graham

how to pick a mayor in the city


 ·

post

They’ll drink to that! Dem mayoral candidates vow to let New Yorkers swill beer on their stoops

They’ll drink to that!

Booze lovers are toasting the Democratic mayoral candidates, who say almost unanimously that if elected they’ll let New Yorkers swill a beer on their stoops.

When asked the question in the “lightning round” at Wednesday’s Democratic mayoral debate, all the candidates — except Erick Salgado, a minister — said city residents should be able to drink a beer on their stoops.

“I should be able to drink ’em in a park and at the beach, too,” Anthony Weiner added.

Mom

“oy vey”
 ~ cags 

·

shark suit – size L


if ivan fit on a roomba, he would sooo have a shark suit.

that’s hysterical!

Fish-Movie-icon

thong man’s summer outfit


missing the city . . . .

although the country can be nice in the summer time, i am really missing all of the things i love about nyc.  i miss central park,  the dorm-room apartment building drama, i miss my neighbors – and people in general, i miss walking to places and i miss thong man.

here is an old post i will re-read & reminisce . . . .

walking ivan tonight i ran into the opportunity i’ve waited 3 years for.  i actually had my iphone camera handy when  thong man came running up 2nd avenue.   unfortunately he wasn’t wearing his nude pantyhose because they are way better than the black body stocking he was sporting this evening.  this must be his summer outfit.

*

i am counting the days until august 14th when i return back to nyc – where i belong.

stitch-heart256

 

* more thong man

“Of course life is bizarre, the more bizarre it gets, the more interesting it is. The only way to approach it is to make yourself some popcorn and enjoy the show.”
– unknown

*

 

excuses


story people excuses

 ~ storypeople

 

welcome-icon 

 

 

reporting live


current report from weather underground:

Now
Clear
Clear
Temperature
74.7 °F
Feels Like 75 °F
.
to me it feels more like 74.2
laugh icon
.
“Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.”
 ~ Buddha 
.

goat spay


i love nyc.  even with many of the challenges it provides on a daily basis, i just love ny.   there are however, some things i am still working on coming to peace with; things like the ny dmv, the subway during rush hour  and the inept humane society.  other than these few things, i love almost everything about this city.

the other day i made an appointment at a local country vet up here in the woods near susan’s country retreat, where i have spent a good part of the summer so far.  for ivan’s monthly rx refill, i generally go to the humane society on e. 59th street.  reading this previously blogged post on the humane society will give you a hint as to my feelings about the service they provide.   i had an additional visit with them since that post, but i was so upset by it, i chose to work on my anger towards the people who work there (who i am sure are doing the best they can under the circumstances they find themselves in daily, but still. . . ), rather than blog about it.  that visit was one month ago and my blood pressure has now returned to it’s normal level and i think i’m ready to compare my last visit at the vet in nyc to my recent visit to woodhill veterinary clinic in upstate ny.

my last appointment at the humane society in the city was scheduled for 2:30 in the afternoon.   i arrived on time, signed in and sat down in the 12’x15′ waiting area alongside about 15 other people and their animals.  dogs were barking wildly, cats meowing, and 1 guy was standing over by the reception area (approximately 4 feet from the sitting space) with a ferocious pit bull.   this dog obviously trained for fighting, was inside a crate, fully muzzled and bucking like a wild boar to escape the crate.   the crate was moving around as the owner attempted to hold it still.   animals in the waiting area were reacting in fear (as were most of the humans).

ivan is almost 14 ( 98 in dog years ),  cannot stand for long periods of time and gets nervous in crowds.  after approximately 5 minutes he began to shake and that soon morphed into an all out anxiety attack.  at 3:00 i went back to the reception area where i waited 15 minutes for someone to acknowledge me.

me:  “hi, i had an appointment for 2:30 and it’s now 3:15.  my dog is having a really hard time and i was wondering how much longer you think we’ll have to wait.”

receptionist: “i don’t know.  we’re very busy.”

about 5 minutes later, they called in a patient who had arrived well after ivan and i.  then another.   at 3:45, i noticed a sign on the wall stating the office closes at 4:00.  the agitated woman sitting next to me told me her appointment was for 2:45.  i sympathized and let her know mine was at 2:30.    i went back to reception to make sure ivan’s file hadn’t fallen through the cracks.   as i waited for a human being to come to the reception window, the bucking pitbull managed to separate the top half from the bottom half of his crate and bust out right next to me.   he was held back from the crowd by his owner & at that point, the staff thought it would be a good idea to get him out of the public area, and put him in the next available room.   following that incident, they called in the woman with the appointment scheduled for 2:45!

i was furious and ivan could barely stand.  he had been shaking steadily for more than 1.5 hours  when a staff member finally came to the window it was 4:10.  before i had the opportunity to inform him of my grievances, he yelled at me. 

“i know you’re here! and no, we didn’t lose your chart! there are a lot of sick dogs here!”

 this, he says, as i stood with my 98 year old dog who was practically having seizures at that point?

i promptly left.  ivan & i stood outside the door on east 59th street wondering how we were going to make it 7 blocks to get home in the condition we were in.

ivan

ivan

this months vet visit was quite a different experience.  we arrived in time for our 1:00 appointment to find one sweet woman with her bouncy 10 month old labrador puppy in the waiting room.   a minute or two after our arrival, a woman from the local wildlife conservation society rushed in with a small cat crate under her arm.  it contained a baby deer.  the animal techs rushed her into a back room right away.

fawn emergency & all, we were seen immediately. dr. susan tanner examined ivan and wrote his rx.   as i stood at the reception desk while my bill was being printed, a call came in.  the woman kindly apologized for having to take the call.  it was for a goat spay.

me: “do you get a lot of people calling for appointments to spay their goat?”

receptionist: “oh yes, we do a lot of that.”

on that note, i smiled and left the office 25 minutes after i had arrived.

thank you dr. tanner & co.

.

Melman-2-icon

“Kind words can be short and easy to speak but their echoes are truly endless.”
~ Mother Teresa

lessons from the country


#1.  wear boots in grass

as i stood barefoot in the grass today, a snake slithered right past my foot.  ivan was close by relieving himself.  he was a bit startled as the snake approached him.  he didn’t notice the snake but seemed to be some what alarmed by my blood curdling scream as the snake made it’s way toward him.  i may have scared the snake as well because i don’t even think he noticed ivan was peeing on him as he slithered right through ivan’s legs.

#2. i don’t ever want to be a cow

fly cow

hillsdale ny cow herd (15)

seriously, could you stand this for even 10 minutes?

hillsdale ny cow herd (17)

these cows are having a serious meeting.  presumably about the fly situation. 

cow herd 54

“Nothing is a waste of time if you use the experience wisely.”
~ Auguste Rodin 

.

.

new york has turned into florida


Today Jun 29

Scattered T-Storms82°F – 64°F  Scattered T-Storms
CHANCE OF RAIN:
40%

Sun Jun 30

PM T-Storms82° – 68°  PM T-Storms
CHANCE OF RAIN:
50%

Mon Jul  1

T-Showers77° -68° T-Showers
CHANCE OF RAIN:
50%

Tue Jul 2

Scattered T-Storms77° – 67° Scattered T-Storms
CHANCE OF RAIN:
60%

Wed Jul 3

Scattered T-Storms83° – 68° Scattered T-Storms
CHANCE OF RAIN:
40%

Thu Jul 4

Scattered T-Storms83° -67° Scattered T-Storms
·
·
RedSherFinder
“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.”
 ~ Buddha
.

a few good men


love  ♥  love    love  ♥  them both!

“i don’t deserve this award . . . . but i have arthritis and i don’t deserve that either.”
 ~ Jack Benny

kiss-me-icon

need a boost today?


·
sometimes the junk-mail-type-emails i get are really funny!

If you ever feel something you’ve said sounded a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you’ll begin to think you’re a genius.

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

cid:1.3452015052@web55903.mail.re3.yahoo.com

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama’s Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,”

–Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

cid:2.3452015052@web55903.mail.re3.yahoo.com

“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”

–Mariah Carey

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

cid:3.3452015052@web55903.mail.re3.yahoo.com

“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life,”

— Brooke Shields, during an interview to become the spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

cid:4.3452015052@web55903.mail.re3.yahoo.com

“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,”

–Winston Bennett,  University   of  Kentucky   basketball forward.

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

cid:5.3452015052@web55903.mail.re3.yahoo.com

“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,”

— Marion Barry, Mayor,  Washington , D.C.

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

cid:6.3452015052@web55903.mail.re3.yahoo.com

“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it,”

–A congressional candidate in  Texas   .

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

cid:7.3452015052@web55903.mail.re3.yahoo.com

“Half of this game is ninety percent mental.”

–Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

cid:8.3452015052@web55903.mail.re3.yahoo.com

“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it..”

–Al Gore, Vice President

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

cid:9.3452015052@web55903.mail.re3.yahoo.com

“I love  California ; I practically grew up in  Phoenix   .”

— Vice President Dan Quayle

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

cid:10.3452015052@web55903.mail.re3.yahoo.com

“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves:  How much clean air do we need?”

–Lee Iacocca

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

cid:11.3452015052@web55903.mail.re3.yahoo.com

“The word “genius” isn’t applicable in football; a genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”

–Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

cid:12.3452015052@web55903.mail.re3.yahoo.com

“We don’t necessarily discriminate.  We simply exclude certain types of people.”

— Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

cid:13.3452015052@web55903.mail.re3.yahoo.comcid:14.3452015052@web55903.mail.re3.yahoo.com

“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992, because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you.  You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.”

–Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

“Traditionally, most of Australia ‘s imports have come from overseas.”

–Keppel Enderbery

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

cid:15.3452015052@web55903.mail.re3.yahoo.com

“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed, and it will monitor their heart throughout the night.  And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.”

–Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Feeling smarter yet?

· 
“He is happiest who hath power to gather wisdom from a flower.”
~ Mary Howitt
·
Cyan

funday in the park


diva dude (4) diva dude dancing union square (7) diva dude dancing union square (13)

enjoy the day!  

this is a public service announcement.

“It’s kind of fun to do the impossible.”
 ~ Walt Disney 

hiding out


ivan and i have been hiding out at my friend susan’s secret retreat up in the middle of nothing but trees and animals.  we’ve been here for 5 days and so far we’ve made a lot of new friends.  here are just a few:

rte 21 pigs columbia county (2) sheep grazing (3)
pigs in mud (6)daisy flower horses (13)lone deer in spencertown (2)hillsdale cows (7)horse in field spencertown (2).

ivan has taken the opportunity to teach his new friend his favorite sport,  grass rolling.  here he is doing a demonstration:

ivan happy boy (8) and here is the student doing an excellent grass roll:

daisy flower horses (28)

a good time was had by all.

.

“I thank you God for this most amazing day, for the leaping greenly spirits of trees, and for the blue dream of sky and for everything which is natural, which is infinite, which is yes.”
e. e. cummings

hurry! bidding has begun!!


post

It’s the creepy alternative to a beach cooler.

The state Office of Mental Health is selling a morgue refrigerator from a Manhattan psychiatric ward on eBay — calling it “used” but “in good condition.”

The bizarre ad lists the huge silver appliance, equipped with four doors for body storage, as having “signs of cosmetic wear” but being “fully operational.”

The fridge looks plucked from the set of “Law & Order: SVU.” At 8 feet tall and 6 feet wide, it could fit nearly 2,000 12-ounce cans of beer. . . .

“Every once in a while, we get an unusual item — and this would be that,” said spokeswoman Heather Groll.

Girl-Shock-icon 

“You don’t get to vote on what is. Have you noticed?”
 ~ Byron Katie

i would like to thank the academy, my parents, god, nancy, dale, ellice . . . .


and especially shaun and mary!   i’m feeling a little famous.  i’ve been recently nominated for not one, but two blogging awards!

click here to read about the super sweet blogger award nomination from shaun.

super-sweet-blogging-award21w64511

and click here to read about my new liebster award from mary!

liebster-blog-award

and be sure to check out the musings of these 2 amazing blogger-peeps!

along comes mary

looking for reasoning to a complicated world

“Gratitude is the memory of the heart.”
 ~ Jean Baptiste

city cab crash


i was just about to step off the curb to cross 61st street on first avenue today when i noticed a cab trying to manifest a middle lane in between two cars.  he was not very successful.

5 taxi cab accident 1st & 61st

so this poor couple who were just driving along, minding their own business, now have a crashed up car because the cabbie thought he could save 2 seconds getting to where ever it was he was headed.

2 taxi cab accident 1st & 61stthe man who’s car was struck by the time-crazed cabbie got out to assess the situation. he asked the cabbie, in a much calmer tone than i may have had, to straighten his wheels and back up.  the cab driver put the car in reverse without straightening the wheels first, and proceeded to re- swipe the entire length of the passenger side of the car, much to the horror of the woman sitting inside.

1 taxi cab accident 1st & 61stjust when i thought it couldn’t get any worse, the cab moved forward again, going for side swipe #3.

the people who had been stopped at the red light on first avenue eventually got tired of waiting for the cab driver to figure out how to get out of the middle of the intersection and when the light turned green, they drove right up the avenue as if there wasn’t a giant accident in the middle of the road.

4 taxi cab accident 1st & 61st

and therein lies all the excitement i have for this tuesday.

keep calm & carry on . . . .

“Everyone ought to bear patiently the results of his own conduct.”
~ Phaedrus 

looking for a new job?


.

while browsing craigslist’s writing/editing jobs today,  i saw this
opportunity which i decided to pass on,  but thought i would
pass along . . . .

Online Dating Surrogate (Flatiron)

Successful entrepreneur needs discerning woman to handle online dating communications for him for roughly an hour per dayProcess:
1. Review profiles of women on 3 or 4 dating sites
2. Per criteria you will be provided, mark as “Favorite” all potential women to contact
3. You’ll let me know when to review Favorites periodically and I’ll delete those I’m not interested in
4. You’ll write to and exchange messages with the remaining Favorites and try to set dates

Work hours, location and salary:
> One hour or so per day – flat $100/wk
> You set the hours
> Work from anywhere you choose

Ideal candidate for this job is similar to dating candidates sought:
> Pretty, thin, educated female in her 20s or 30s (with great taste and strong writing ability)

If This Part-Time Job is For You:
> Email to craig0519nyc@hotmail.com your picture, resume and lengthy enough response to assess your writing ability
> Indicate why this job will be easy and fun for you and describe why you believe that you have great taste and a discerning eye

  • Compensation: $100/week for roughly 7 hours work


78Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you.
H. Jackson Brown, Jr. 

 

duane reade – new york city’s worst store – scene 1


i’m positive i’m not the only new yorker who is completely fed up with duane reade (the nyc drugstore which is found on every other corner in the city  –  see reviews).  last year duane reade was purchased by walgreens and it was the hope of all city peeps that the acquisition would improve the quality of service in the stores. nope.  didn’t happen.   still atrocious.  (when was the last time you heard thae word atrocious?  funny, isn’t it?  that’s just what popped into my head . . . . 🙂 )  anyway, i have boycotted duane reade several times over the years but eventually end up going back because they are always so close by – no matter where i live.

my first boycott was after the time i purchased mascara at DR only to find it had no bristles on the brush when i opened it.  the duane reade store manager refused the return.  i wrote a letter to the ceo of duane reade and i never got a response.  like father, like son . . . i realized why many DR employees are the worst in america – because dad doesn’t care.

i have many, many more duane reade stories, but to keep it short, i’ll just relay part 1 of yesterday’s incident and write a second post on the second act of stupidity.

scene 1:  i went to the DR on my block with a prescription and this was the conversation with the pharmacy employee (pe):

me: hi, do you have this?

pe:  no. we have no customers for it, so we don’t keep it in stock.

me: i have this rx every single month and every time i come here, you tell me you have no customers for this drug.  do you think you could keep it on hand so that i don’t have to call other pharmacies each month to find one that has this on hand?

pe: no.  we can’t stock that drug because we don’t get orders for it.  we can only order what we’ve sold the month before.

me:  how could you possibly sell something you don’t have, in order to get it into the system to generate the sale for next months re-order?

pe:  blank stare.  no response.  nada.

after about 30 seconds of staring eyeball to eyeball in complete silence, i turned around and headed home to make the litany of phone calls in search of my rx and wonder why she has a job and i’m unemployed.

Dad

“Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.”
Anonymous

street vendors


the other day i passed by a street vendor selling decorative signage on 5th avenue.  this was by far my favorite sign:

smile   

i was a bit tempted . . . 

🙂

“You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it.”
 ~ Bill Cosby 

 

they always know what i’m thinking


everyday the story of the day arrives in my inbox and makes me smile.  love those story peeps. . . .

creating reality framed

“Genius. It is just attention to something specific. That’s all it is.”
~ Esther Hicks