Tag Archives: funny quotes

need a boost today?


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sometimes the junk-mail-type-emails i get are really funny!

If you ever feel something you’ve said sounded a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you’ll begin to think you’re a genius.

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cid:1.3452015052@web55903.mail.re3.yahoo.com

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama’s Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,”

–Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

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cid:2.3452015052@web55903.mail.re3.yahoo.com

“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”

–Mariah Carey

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cid:3.3452015052@web55903.mail.re3.yahoo.com

“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life,”

— Brooke Shields, during an interview to become the spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

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cid:4.3452015052@web55903.mail.re3.yahoo.com

“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,”

–Winston Bennett,  University   of  Kentucky   basketball forward.

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cid:5.3452015052@web55903.mail.re3.yahoo.com

“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,”

— Marion Barry, Mayor,  Washington , D.C.

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cid:6.3452015052@web55903.mail.re3.yahoo.com

“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it,”

–A congressional candidate in  Texas   .

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cid:7.3452015052@web55903.mail.re3.yahoo.com

“Half of this game is ninety percent mental.”

–Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

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cid:8.3452015052@web55903.mail.re3.yahoo.com

“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it..”

–Al Gore, Vice President

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cid:9.3452015052@web55903.mail.re3.yahoo.com

“I love  California ; I practically grew up in  Phoenix   .”

— Vice President Dan Quayle

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cid:10.3452015052@web55903.mail.re3.yahoo.com

“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves:  How much clean air do we need?”

–Lee Iacocca

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cid:11.3452015052@web55903.mail.re3.yahoo.com

“The word “genius” isn’t applicable in football; a genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”

–Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

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“We don’t necessarily discriminate.  We simply exclude certain types of people.”

— Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

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“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992, because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you.  You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.”

–Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

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“Traditionally, most of Australia ‘s imports have come from overseas.”

–Keppel Enderbery

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cid:15.3452015052@web55903.mail.re3.yahoo.com

“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed, and it will monitor their heart throughout the night.  And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.”

–Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

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Feeling smarter yet?

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“He is happiest who hath power to gather wisdom from a flower.”
~ Mary Howitt
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Cyan

when you need a good line


in what was probably not the best use of an hour or so, i found this website which cracked me up.   they even offer a  one-liner randomizer  – who else does that?? here are some of my favorite one-liners:

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.

Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don’t make sense. Refrigerator.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.”

They call it “pms” because “mad cow disease” was already taken.

“The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you’ll go.”
 ~ Dr. Seuss

overheard in the city


the bus headed uptown on first ave:
3 year old child told his mother;
“he was dead and he couldn’t walk so he had to go to the hospital.”

on the sidewalk of east 52nd street:
when asked where his young son goes to pre-school;
man #1: “sutton place temple.”
man #2:  “is it true that the more money you give at temple, the closer you get to sit to the menorah?”

corner of 53rd street & 3rd avenue:
woman on phone – late 50ish – heavy new yawk accent;
“did you eat?”
“are you full?”
are you sure?”

2nd ave & 58th street:
teenager asked mother, “who is  ed  koch?”

50th street & 3rd avenue on st. patrick’s day:
20 something girl #1:  “i’ve never been to a st. patrick’s day parade.”
20 something girl #2:  “neither have i.  i didn’t even know there
was one.”

51th street & 2nd avenue on st. patrick’s day:
me:  “it’s crazy out here.”
doorman: “yeah, it’s a beautiful day to throw up.”

1st avenue at 56th st:
2 moms, 2 strollers, 2 two year old children;
mom #1:  “how does he like camp?”
mom #2:  “i don’t know, he never tells me anything.”

#1 favorite!
while shooting pix with my canon 7d on park avenue:
“she has a better camera than you”

😉

be sure to check the page,  overheard in the city  in the
only in ny section on this site for future updates!